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  • Carla Evans

Trying to fix others' stuff?

Hi everyone,

A topic that is on my mind at the moment due to my own personal work and multiple clients working on similar issues is "fixing other people's stuff".

If you are a parent, a manager, work in a caring profession or are simply a good listener you will no doubt have people coming to you with their stuff. If you are sensitive to other people's energy you will often feel their stuff whether they say something or not.

What do we do with other people's stuff?

It is often instinctive to try and help others fix their stuff by coming up with ideas and solutions. On some occasions this is appropriate. On many occasions this is not for the highest good of the other person.

If we feel other people's stuff but they don't necessarily tell us what's going on we can tend to avoid them because it feels yuck to be around them and we don't know how to address it. This can lead to avoiding social situations in general or feeling sensations of anxiety around other people like butterflies in the stomach. On the other hand we might be stuck with them because they live in the same house or work at the same place and this can end up affecting us mentally and physically if we don't have strategies to deal with it.

No. 1. Get Centred

When I start feeling affected by other people's stuff whether they're saying it or I'm just sensing it I literally feel like my energy is being pulled out of my body. Everyone will experience this differently but what's happening is our energy is getting dispersed. So the first thing to do is bring our energy back into our central channel. How? There are multiple ways of doing this, here are a couple of ideas.

  • Imagine a beam of light, or if you're a Star Wars fan a light saber beam running from the top of the head, all the way down the spine to the tailbone. Pull your energy back into this channel of light until you actually feel centred and calm.

  • Choose a part of the body where you find it easy to land your attention, it might be the feet, the abdomen, the movement of the abdomen with the breath, the heart centre, the hands but it can be anywhere. Practice bring part of your attention to this area of the body no matter what else you are doing, even when you are talking with others. You want to feel that you are in your body, centred and calm.

These are just examples, find what works for you, you may need a word or mantra to say silently to yourself or a crystal in your pocket to touch. It needs to be something that is accessible at all times, that you can do in the moment.

Practice getting centred even when you feel good, make it a habit that you do multiple times a day so that when you really need it, it's right there in the front of your mind to do. It doesn't take any extra time to do, it's not a case of stopping for 5 mins and centering (although you can do that too!). It's something to practice while you are washing dishes, driving, working, grocery shopping, cleaning, playing with the kids and walking the dog. Yes I'm practising while I'm writing this!

No. 2 Remind yourself this is not yours to fix

Whether you are hearing, seeing or sensing other peoples stuff, remind yourself that it's not your job to fix it or even necessarily address it right then and there. Unless it's an emergency situation we don't need to step in immediately. When we notice other's stuff it's often not appropriate to address it there and then - it might be a family mealtime, in a classroom, in a meeting, or you're simply trying to get dinner cooked! Make a mental note to self to come back and think it through later (or set a reminder on your phone if you're likely to forget!).

No. 3 Get Centred

Hang on hang on we've already done this one. Yes but... when we are thinking through a situation and trying to decide whether someone wants or needs our help we tend to go up in our head and forget about listening to the body. We really want integration - the gut-brain, the heart-brain and the brain-brain communicating with each other to helps us make the best decision for the highest good of all involved. And we can only do this when we are centred in our body and feeling calm. Once centred, we are much more able to read the situation clearly and for what it is rather than having clouded judgement due to our own beliefs, emotions or experiences. So yes use your brain to think of options then drop back into the body, get centred and feel what the best option is.

Happy centring!

Carla :)

P.S. Want to re-read a previous email but have deleted it? (accidentally of course!) Not to fear - all previous emails are available on the website blog or facebook.



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